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In a Healthy Relationship …
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In an Unhealthy Relationship…
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- communication is in both directions
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- communication is in one direction
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- listening is one direction
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- both people are assertive and permitted her/his
own opinion
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- one person is aggressive and dictates opinions
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- both people have positive self esteem
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- there is low self esteem in one or both people
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- there is communication of feelings and needs openly
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- there is an inability to communicate feelings
and needs without fear
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- one person has control over the other
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- does not listen to you. Ignores what you say, talks over you,
pretends not to hear you
- ignores your personal space boundaries
- expresses anger and aggression towards your gender as
individuals or in general
- tries to make you feel guilty or accuse you of being “up
tight” if you resist his/her sexual advances
- is constantly offering to take care of you
- is unwilling to talk things over that bug you or her/him
- attacks you, your behaviour, your personality, your interests,
your beliefs, your values
- expects you to give up your friends, or family to be with her/him
- questions where you are going, with whom, for how long and what
you will be doing
- when you are feeling good, he/she always puts you down
- doesn’t have any close friends
- constantly blames others and does not take responsibility
- uses silence as punishment
- makes you do things sexually you do not want to do
- twists stories around
- is jealous
- you find yourself believing that with time you could really
change/fix this person, rescue them and/or help them reach their
potential
- likes to scare you by driving fast or doing reckless things
- tells other people about things you did or said that embarrass
or make you feel stupid
- gets “carried away” during horseplay and hurts you,
or holds you down and makes you feel helpless until you give in
or feel humiliated
- becomes angry or violent when uses alcohol or drugs
- makes threats about hurting you, your friends or pets, or
killing her/himself if you don’t obey him/her
- has ever hit you, no matter how sorry he/she
was afterwards
No one has the right to control
another person and it is everyone’s right to live
without fear.
Relationships are complex things that change on a daily basis.
If you are wondering if the person you are dating is interested in
you or just the possibility (or reality) of sex then that already
indicates a lack of communication.
Communication is one of the most important parts of a healthy
relationship. In healthy relationships couples feel comfortable
talking about sensitive issues in an open and honest manner.
- If you are afraid of showing emotions, speaking your mind or
talking about the possibility of sex and the consequences, then you
need to assess whether you still want to have an intimate
relationship with this person.
- If you are uncomfortable sharing feelings with your partner,
there may be a lack of trust in the relationship. Lack of trust
may stem from past betrayal by this person, negative experiences
with others or perhaps the relationship is so new that you
don’t know your partner very well.
- In any case, there needs to be open lines of communication to
tackle topics such as the level of physical contact that is
acceptable to both partners, abstinence, contraception, STI
testing and what would happen if an unplanned pregnancy
occurred.
Respect is a word that is thrown around a lot but may of us have
forgotten what being respected feels like. Respect, essentially,
is avoiding harm and maintaining positive, supportive and accepting
feelings for another person.
Respect is show by considering your partners feelings, listening
to her/his ideas, accepting differences and shortcomings and not
trying to change that person. Respect involves trusting that even
if you don’t agree with every choice a person makes, you
honour his/her right to be different from you without being wrong.
Differences about choices will occur, but in a healthy
relationship, the decision-making is shared and each partner
has a right to voice his/her point of view.
There are no power struggles to manipulate the other person
through put downs, lies, guilt, threats, isolation, or physical
violence. Respect doesn’t involve manipulation and healthy
relationships don’t make you feel bad most of the time.
Healthy relationships may involve sexual intimacy but do
not have to.
Attraction can be very powerful in our decisions about how involved
to get in a relationship. Before choosing to become sexually involved
consider whether this attraction you are feeling is because of a
crush that will fade or because of feelings that given time may grow
into a committed relationship.
Some people chose to have sex with people they don’t know
very well because they are horny, drunk or for many other reasons.
We are not here to tell you whether that is a good decision for
you or not.
If you choose to not have sex until you are in a committed
relationship with someone you feel strongly about that is your
choice, as well. PPWR is not going to place one choice above the
other. Abstaining or being sexually active is a personal choice
that we trust each person to make for themselves. It is a decision
you must make for yourself based on your own self-esteem, values
and acceptance of possible consequences.
If you do choose to have sex, there are some things to think about
before all the blood leaves your brain and is headed south to the
genitals.
- Do I know what type of contraception is going to
be used, by whom?
- Does the other person understand that I am not looking for
a relationship out of this encounter?
- Does the other person understand that this is a physical expression
of the feelings I have for them and how special having sex is to
me?
- Have I taken steps to reduce the risk of STD and HIV
transmission by using a condom properly?
- Have we been tested for STD’s and HIV and maintained a
monogamous relationship as we agreed?
- Have I considered what I would do if an unplanned pregnancy
occurred?
- If my choice about handling an unplanned pregnancy is different
from the other person’s, am I ready to accept the possibility
of being a parent, placing a child for adoption or arranging an
abortion?
Sex can be very pleasurable and a wonderful part of the human
experience. The important part is that both people involved
mutually consent, maintain sexual health and consider the possible
results of intercourse.
If after all of this you are still wondering about whether you
are ready to have sex or not, you can talk to your doctor, school
nurse, an adult you trust, a counsellor at PPWR or just wait until
you know the answer for sure. It’s your body,
so you have the right to say what happens to it. If you are comfortable
with your choice, you can feel confident in sharing your decision
with your partner.
1) It is all right with you when your partner
spends time with family, friends or by him/herself.
NO YES SOMETIMES
2) It is all right with your partner when you spend time with
family, friends or by yourself.
NO YES SOMETIMES
3) Your partner compliments you on your decisions, personality and
appearance
NO YES SOMETIMES
4) You both have equal say about how you spend your time together.
NO YES SOMETIMES
5) Your partner knows how to make you feel bad and uses
it against you.
NO YES SOMETIMES
6) Your partner pressures you to do things you don’t
want to do.
NO YES SOMETIMES
7) Your partner puts you down if you refuse to do the things
she/he wants you to do.
NO YES SOMETIMES
8) Your partner has threatened to or has hurt you.
NO YES SOMETIMES
9) When you think about this relationship, you usually feel happy.
NO YES SOMETIMES
10) You avoid arguments or speaking your opinion because you are
afraid of your partner’s temper.
NO YES SOMETIMES
11) Your partner scares you by throwing things, punching walls,
driving too fast or drinking too much.
NO YES SOMETIMES
12) You and your partner both agree that you are a couple and
stick to the relationship guidelines as you discussed.
NO YES SOMETIMES
13) Your partner says that he/she would kill him/herself if
you ended the relationship and you are afraid he/she might harm
him/herself.
NO YES SOMETIMES
14) You find yourself believing that you could fix/change/save
this person.
NO YES SOMETIMES
15) Both of you talk about your feelings and your concerns openly
NO YES SOMETIMES
16) You feel that no one else understands why your partner acts the
way she/he does.
NO YES SOMETIMES
17) You and your partner discuss differences without name calling
and yelling.
NO YES SOMETIMES
18) You and your partner have/will discuss STI testing and
contraception before having a sexual relationship.
NO YES SOMETIMES
19) Your partner makes fun of things that are important to you.
NO YES SOMETIMES
20) Your partner is constantly offering to take care of you.
NO YES SOMETIMES
Answer Key:
* If # 1,2,3,4,9,12,15, 17, 18 = YES, then
healthy relationship
* If # 1,2,3,4,9,12,15, 17, 18 = SOMETIMES, then
fairly good relationship with room for improvement.
* If # 5,6,7,8,10,11,13,14,16,19,20 = SOMETIMES,
then you need to seriously consider whether this is a relationship that
you want to continue.
* If # 5,6,7,8,10,11,13,14,16,19,20 =YES, then you may
be in a dangerous relationship.
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